he is a movie

and i have just unabashedly flirted with him.

but he is Deaf so he will find his way here, maybe, because someone will alert him

to the dangers of being friendly with me

and maybe he will think this is all lies, too

that i am just setting him up, trying to fuck with him

but he makes all parts of me go SQUEE and of course

i have gotten "all the details" pertinent to someone who thought it pertinent

to me. "heartbroken" and i don't really give a fuck

"warning he will tease you and leave you hanging, he knows everyone wants him"

and i really don't give a fuck

because all it is is a little flirtation with a friendship request and

a little friendship requested can become anything

flirtations melt away and solid friendships remain

or he will just read this and think

i am nothing but a stack, a bunch, a wad of lies

and that i deserve nothing and that is all

that would matter

but  he is a movie

and i love his movies and i want them to never-endingly reel

i want to knit and knit and ravel his ravel

and sometimes i think he would be hot wrapped around me

but that is just a movie

he is a movie, and i think

he is stellar

(and for once i am not trying to just get into a 25-year-old's pants and scream laughter pummeling his thighs with my feet over a blaze)

for mike keathley

i'm punishing myself for you. you blocked me but i just can't imagine that it's safe for me to have a sexual relationship with a deaf man...i just can't imagine that you wouldn't beat me up, call me names, or tell other men things i don't want them to know.

so don't worry. this is a pretty abusive relationship and i'm letting jeff get what he wants. all the rest of my money. all of it. in a week i'll be living on the street with a shopping cart or two. that's where all my stuff is gonna be. i thought maybe michael could help, but he can't. so my punishment will be carried out, meted in exacting terms.

i will probably die in a few days. and that is what you want. my poem made you so mad you blocked me. my jocund video about the lighter made you so mad you blocked me. i see no sense in it, i have tried and i still see no sense in it, and this is my punishment: to die, hopefully raped by another homeless person, so you can see: i am nothing.

i am nothing so bad i must be blocked. and when i am dead my poem will die so you will never have to be angry. i don't understand this, but i really am tired of being raped and fucked with so my choices are to kill myself or give more money to a man i don't even recognize. i never expected jeff to do what my other boyfriends have: study me, then use my fears to force meltdowns and extract money.

but i wanted to trust you. and i will just kill myself. it's no big deal. it will be me on the street and my shopping cart, and then it will just be my shopping cart.

broken everything

all broken

but that's fine for me

all i want is to be homeless and dying

so finally i'm going

the old man with the mustache

is the old man with the mustache

is making me scream

so i don't have to remember

the old man in the mustache

ny eyes are going weird again

its like burning yellow

and swirling parabolas abd vbkbuk

indicators and sonic orgasms

he says

have sex

not

fuck

a cut-up clit

isn't very comfortable to play with.

but we just had a pretty wild conversation, and i am--

i am just--stupid easy to trigger, and gallaudet has gotten my panties in a twist

so i named all my rapists from gallaudet and started feeling cutty, got a knife

and was just hanging out with it...

and whatever we talked about, that's private

but

in my unleashed flurry of scared

i let loose some very sexual things

and he said it was actually hot that i'd masturbated to how sexily he turns a phrase

how sweet and nice, and communicative

which got me horny too

so now

a cut-up clit is painful to play with

but we have no kids coming to the house for halloween

so i might as well make my own fun

**
it's very frightening to meet someone new

i scared him right back

but i think he understands that as upsetting as tonight was for him

as weird as my worry that he hates me

it's tenfold

in my terror

**
he's so nice

gyrating on the gyroscope of gyro shavings

i really wish i weren't this way

but i think he might be giving me a second chance

i think he's really sexy

i get so hot when i read his e-mails