bianca on the brain

it's funny how dismissive i am

shrugged about it to marci: "bianca's an asshole because her divorce fractured her, and being unfeeling toward others is morally bankrupt, especially when you're smart enough to understand

(mind," laughing, "it is her blonde moments that give us some of the best laughs: she once spent hours yelling, crying and googling the absent instructions on the paas dye packets, and jenny and i kept marveling, 'but aren't the instructions on the back of each packet?' and finally, after the googling produced a consensus that kept her from really flipping her lid, she's all, 'oh...they're on the back of each packet!' but, to be fair, that's a typical freak-out, losing sight of the keys in your pocket. so, yeah,  you know, she's not a dumb blonde, but she thinks i think she is. big problem, hovering between us, elusive because we're tugging at war: no, yes!)"

and i mentioned to marci

how necessary it is to detach when someone's moral values are so screwed up i can't handle them in my own life. how i'm sure bianca will be back, and she'll view a certain decade as her distortion, and we all have one, and

hopefully understand what i'm protesting, not bianca

but her swell of anger, its inflammation of her joints, how it meshes with her fear

and. i'm just not thrilled with the way she treats people since she first felt thwarted at love

faced with so much love it made her blind

and, my god, i can imagine ty being one of the core issues--i made it very clear that his heartless shapeshifting and the legions of fallen women who had been the heroines of their own stories--he was specifically targeting her, and when he mocked--well--her feelings and conclusions...

...i lasered blue-hot. just white blasted to cooling edge. and i don't regret choosing jenny and bianca over santini and ty. women come first, and women are shitty to each other mainly because of creepy andrists. but...some things she did during my visit were unconscionable. ed is someone I have serious issues with but consider a lifelong friend, a true pal, one who really understands life and loves freely as an old geezer. plus i could see that bianca was being taken for a ride. that flirtation was solely for the chase, and this asshole was anti-men, gleaming and glowing, glowering at me for my ugliness

I have no reason to accept bianca as she is as a human being; my rosacea and weight gain aren't good reasons for her to allow someone to ask why she's friends with an uggo like me. just, no. calculations of life: consensus: no.

i have no reason to respect her anymore. she's beyond ugly on the inside right now. when she deigns to return to a balanced state, stop doing a half-assed job of PSE-teaching ASL, which is a no-no, not a "personal style" thing. NYC is full of PSE signers, PSuEdointellectuals at that, and i sign differently now too, but in the classroom

snap to attention

or your degree is shit and your integrity so liquid it's on the toilet seat

and i think it's a reflection of her attitude toward life

i have anger issues too and they're getting shitty but

and then she went on this screaming rant the entire cab ride to the met

raving

maniacally verbally abusing me for forcing her to feel guilty

and me constantly, calmly replying

"i'm on vacation. you were two hours late. we don't have a lot of time. i'd rather relax and catch up in a cab i'm paying for on vacation from work. i've got the money, you don't need to stress, i'm annoyed by the timeline but i'm totally rolling with it. you locked me out last night, i found a hotel room at 5:30, i left early to meet you...i'm not gonna let you scream at me for wanting a cab. i have one afternoon before my flight today. let's just have fun"

and then her raging at me for being guilted into paying $40 for two tickets

her friend the asshole had even said it after i kept hammering it home

$20 recommended donation

it says on the sign

"it's free! go! no, the met is free!"

dozens of heads turning at her frenzy, foaming at the bit: "no! i damn well will pay! you get to writhe and feel like a shithead while i dip into my empty pockets and pay to even out the cab fare! i hope it was worth it! i hope you feel miserable knowing i've got enough of a conscience to pay to even things out!" just about crying with bile

"yes, you feel embarrassed right now, don't you, hah, this is exactly what you need, that's right! i'll embarrass you at the met and i don't care! you're trying to guilt me today and i'll make you feel the brunt of it! you're standing here watching me lose it! and! that's! just! what i'll give you, the satisfaction!"

lurid in the face of my pointing finger: "but, look, that's the beauty of it, see, it's right up there:"

i hope her heart shat a little when she read

"met under fire for trying to enforce $20 admission fee; met is fucking rich and doesn't need..."

in am or metro

or over ed's shoulder

but i figure

everybody snaps