for mike keathley

i'm punishing myself for you. you blocked me but i just can't imagine that it's safe for me to have a sexual relationship with a deaf man...i just can't imagine that you wouldn't beat me up, call me names, or tell other men things i don't want them to know.

so don't worry. this is a pretty abusive relationship and i'm letting jeff get what he wants. all the rest of my money. all of it. in a week i'll be living on the street with a shopping cart or two. that's where all my stuff is gonna be. i thought maybe michael could help, but he can't. so my punishment will be carried out, meted in exacting terms.

i will probably die in a few days. and that is what you want. my poem made you so mad you blocked me. my jocund video about the lighter made you so mad you blocked me. i see no sense in it, i have tried and i still see no sense in it, and this is my punishment: to die, hopefully raped by another homeless person, so you can see: i am nothing.

i am nothing so bad i must be blocked. and when i am dead my poem will die so you will never have to be angry. i don't understand this, but i really am tired of being raped and fucked with so my choices are to kill myself or give more money to a man i don't even recognize. i never expected jeff to do what my other boyfriends have: study me, then use my fears to force meltdowns and extract money.

but i wanted to trust you. and i will just kill myself. it's no big deal. it will be me on the street and my shopping cart, and then it will just be my shopping cart.