Wednesday, June 13, 2012

churning, burning all the time...

zeus's terrifying. i don't understand where he's coming from sometimes, and i think he's keeping more secrets than he was, and i don't want him to know how bewildered and crushed i feel...because i know him, and i know that i'll only be exploited or mocked if i mention it...but it's all real, and so was the abuse, and as soon as we started kissing he stopped being supportive of me as a survivor or respectful of me as a i have to pin all my cards to my bra, under my armor, try not to let the triggers wake up the actual flashbacks...i trained them to go into my body, deeper and deeper, and now sometimes i don't look around and see a black hole along with the tactile memories of being raped.

i just have it all over me, inside and out, and last night there were all these rules i didn't know about, because two nights ago we segued from a pretty frightening argument into camaraderie, fantastic but superficial banter, and i always wonder how i can love someone who seems not to have dreams anymore, who seems not to care that he's an absolute genius...but i remember who he was face-to-face, and i know that there are years to come, and new dreams to acquire...and.

he was all, "i fucking love you, bitch," and i knew it was designed to be casual, but give me what i wanted, and let me know that he was really present and teasing...and then last night he just yelled at me, yelled, yelled...because i was breaking rules that he insisted had been established two nights ago, when they hadn't, and he was just being rude anyway, and i'm never rude...and i just don't know who i am anymore. i can never share with him because he tells me i'm too weak to kill myself and then i find myself all prepped just to show him that i am so not, that if dad could do it, so can i, but if i do...where will i be but dead?

and i've just been throwing up, throwing up, throwing up.

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