toothpick thorns: soothsayer swarms

finally we have a good tempo, finally i'm remembering enough that i jot down to mention it in sessions. finally i'm starting to feel like myself, and marci is a little like me, not wanting to believe people can say and do such shitty things.

it's the only way to become a good psychiatrist, anyway--but now nurses need a PhD to practice psychiatry...and nursing has so many other options i'm curious! still...marci agrees that what is key is to focus on my ultimate goals, and she doesn't want me committing to nursing until we know it's the best way to do what i'm passionate about. she isn't seeing the passion and isn't keen on me doing something that really could take time away from my art.

but, ha, today she said something that i've been waiting to hear from another flesh&blooder: it's probably because my memory is so exacting and so long, just so fucking good, that i'm so easily retraumatized. i told her that i had to do whatever it took to forget after floyd and i had our song&dancd of dissonance, forget forget forget, but that it's all muddled and stuck in my body instead.

so i like my original idea of being a radiology technician. no need to worry about not getting a well-paying job because nurses need to communicate with their patients, and i see myself working a normal, integrated job. BECAUSE ALL I GOTTA DO IS POINT&SHOOT

which is not true

because i see details so quickly and so clearly when other people say AIN'T NOTHIN' THAR

but i don't see why i shouldn't do what feels best

we are, after all, possibly no longer cocooned by glitz. we might get some fucking action like every lost soul--gaza isn't the only warrior in town--across the sea.

and i really wish my pussy rings would sell

and

and

and

but i really like living a quarter of a block

from one of the most beautiful parks and

i even think i don't just have an amazing idea for a novel

i have more than just a few fleshed-out characters and a plotline

i have a better knowledge of the history surrounding this thing

the other idea is so badass but it eludes me, the setting, so I can research--

--NYC, huh? it does seem the only city in this country willing to overlook a deaf person working a normal job prior to the last half-century. *cough*chicago*cough

and whatever clint does in life

hopefully in mine

i'm on a bookshelf.