so. floyd mixed me a drink. so in the most important way, he loved me, because he didn't. in the least. except he did; he mixed me the doll.
no one had ever hinted at me being pretty. i looked him levelly in the eyes and thanked the universe for bringing me there. and then shit blew up. to recap:
it was j-spot's birthday. we'd gone on one date; seven hours later he confessed that i was just too brainy. he likes to read and play anime. being clever is too much work. he has a girlfriend. he's much too young for me--he confessed that it hadn't been just a friendly date, that he'd been intrigued and wanted to see if we were well-suited to each other. we were.
we were inseparable. we met right after i almost jumped in front of a train post-L.A. he and a friend were the first to a party, and i third, at a cavernous bar. (not just big, see, stalagmites and stalactites and luke upside-down in chains.) they were FOAF. i zeroed in on them, seeing them sign, and said my typical zany wacko WTF randomisty: yo, i like weed.and j-spot was petrified. OMGROFLOLWTFUCRAZY? they were just such pantywaists, all wide-eyed and geeky and young, dorky and in need of a good mental wedgie.
j-spot is also just as hot as floyd. and i once took him to the BDSM sex shop off the christopher stop, and then he totally was like, be my sex therapist! what should i do with my girl? MMMMMM, me loves the authority-doling.
so his girl's all paranoid. he's been forbidden to tell her about my sexual abuse. she thinks there's an affair going on. she's not so far off the mark in that we resemble each other but i'm 4582 shades paler. and so what if we have a secret? i blubber about rape stuff. GURL IT AIN'T SEX.
she talks incessantly about how hot j-spot is. she's had a pretty shitty history with guys. ain't none of it worth repeating here, but we have mutual acquaintances and friends. we've both been made fun of for being less than pretty. so she's stupider than dumberest and i can't stand her for it. j-spot is like, see, we can just chill. it's h!lar!ous.
so she gets more and more paranoid, becomes distraught. and j-spot celebrates being half a decade younger than me. i'm a proud mama. i know the most fantastic bartender in the world and would we like to end our night there? SO YEAH!
and she says to j-spot--he tells me this apologetically--"do you want me to break up with you? no? well, then, you gotta ask that bartender to go out with beth." and he fucking--ignores--me as i gasp in terror that he KNOWS that i'm so happy to have a NJ floyd who knows about the tape stuff but that we're BFF and floyd is my safe bartender pal who helps me parse wordlessly what i sometimes re-parse with j-spot verbally.
he says, dude, but she gon' leave me if i don't do this. c'mon, man, i point out, she's just bluffin'. but the idiot's all sensitive from some awful abuse and won't fucking see her manipulation. par for the love goon. i explain that if i have to deal with this i'm going to fall apart; it's too close to sexual abuse for floyd to start treating me with sexual disdain, not comfortable, charged, nonchalant either-way-it-dips friendship. Too bad, j-spot whimpers. he needs his girl, and she told him that she'll move out that. very. night.
THERE WAS NEVER SO MUCH AS A FUCKING KISS, DUMBCUNT. our cuddling was when i was slime-faced after a rape. AIGHT, eight months AFTER this dolly pardon.
so she's smirking at me. she's been obsessed with me and floyd since they met. smitten, the kitten, cuz he really had been kind. signing a bit and really answering questions. she felt so at home she kept pressing the issue. DAMMIT. some people really don't believe that hearing people treat deaf people well for reasons apart from romantic interest.
and then j-spot's asked. and floyd mournfully says no TO MY FACE. to ME. resolute and his eyes are cut off, dead a little, less trusting. and i want the world a table because i need to turn it. topple all the cakes and punch bowls. upend myself and howl. but he's been such a perfect friend i can only smile back in shock. betrayed by j-idiot.
and i'm so scared i'll never be his friend again. that he's going to follow me out one night for real, grab me and shove me against the wall and tell me how disgusting i am and why do i keep acting like i'm pretty and hit me or shove his hand somewhere my heart would break.
and he just smiles and it's back, and solemnly he mixes a drink, and he gently curls safe tendrils of caring all around me: this is the doll. i just created it for you.
and i felt pretty, not pretty at all but knowing that he wanted me to feel pretty instead of pretty lousy changed my life in a way all our other moments hadn't. BUT THAT FUCKING CUNT smirking at me and all smug that j-spot was HERS NOT MINE and crestfallen that floyd-that-nice-bartender-who-signs-for-beth-so-he-wants-her-RIGHT!?!?!? had turned me down...when we left the burger joint, she slipped her hand into mine and rubbed my arm sympathetically, saying I'M SO SORRY AWWWWWW--and I started sobbing. big angry heartbroken sobbing. CUZ HE WAS WATCHING AND THINKING I WANTED BIM.
and SURE i'd've fucked him. in three years. with a stable friendship and oops okay too much to drink and gigglypuff falling into his arms and OMG he IS cute and HE WON'T HIT ME and we can totally have hot chocolate spiked with BOURBON in the morning and i'll cook naked because he won't hate the belly cuz as they say:
OH WOW YOU LOOK GREAT NAKED. i made a good decision!
but I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT. i totally misjudged him. he was a total asshole i wouldn't've pulled out of a burning car...until he touched me. and opened his perfect mouth with all affection and zero affectation. GOOD-LOOKING AND HELLA SWEET(er than the honey inside my NIN hive).
he watched me fold and bawl. i walked them to the train and went back to look him in the eye so i could sleep knowing that he didn't want to hit me or gloat that i was ugly. he was so stern. I CAN'T HAVE YOU CRYING OVER ME. AND THIS IS MY IMAGE, MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. so yes, darling, dry your tears, you may have some water, with ice, but you walk right outta here and don't let me catch you having feelings for me.
secret: i think he might've said yes some other time, had he been single and sure of trusting me, which shocked me to my core. when he scolded me it was almost like, "dude, you screwed up--i need discretion."
cuntface MEANT to make me cry. but cuntface also has an IQ i'm almost positive is sub-100. so what good is hatred? dumb is dumber than dirt.
didn't just shut me out!
he forgave me. i was safe. that LADEEZ AND GELTS
is a real friend. a real man.
now he likes me to know he likes guns.
FUN FACT FUN FACT FUN FACT
i stopped using craigslist to cover up the pain post-sexual assault when NO JOKE this guy was really enthusiastic about meeting to fuck and was funny, clever enough and reasonably cute...and sent a picture of himself arm-in-arm with a friend: floyd.