to be pissenlit

scheiss. i miss sebastian. HEY! YO! you, the crippled german who lived as one of us for months, who made us cry to see you go...

...hey! you! the one who got what i realize now was my terrifically LOUD ass out of the car and into the tent and just snuggled me all night HEY YOU and the sex you had with me still in your arms in the morning AHEM yes anyway...that made me die laughing. it says everything about me that i giggled inside and was horrified but preferred to let you finish than sit up and go OMFGWTFUGUYZES all four hands are still wrapped around me, JUST LET ME GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

LOL see this "hottie" who was so fake and everyone was all OMG HOW EXPENSIVE and i was like see dat's why you go to tjmaxx and they all OHHH. this total rooted-out a&f cunt met me and did the thing a lot of guys we meet do at first. only he had a bad heart, broken somewhere, and our eyes clashed, snakes at opposition.

he was adam's friend, and adam is hot. and CHILL. got out of the marines and went all hippie. so sunuvafitch is all pissed at me for being the one ugly person there. TRUTH: all the rest of them, jane, sebby and em and jason and adam&amy. you'd fuck 'em all in an orgy. so.

i'm triggered because when nobody's looking he snatches a bag of munchies out of my hands. he makes sure he glares and glowers. when he's advised to come hang out with me and see why i'm so cool but have to be able to lipread etc he just goes stony. dude. we've all drunk into the night and he disappears, and the tent is crowded and we're all passed out.

he's exactly the type to either pretend to hit me and snarl that HE doesn't see anything special about me and i'd better watch out...or do all that, then grab me somewhere deeply private/rape me and then threaten me. i'm triggered as fuck and asleep but not quite, meandering a good buzz.

and he comes in. i feel something on my ass. i realize that it's sunuvafitch with his awful highlights and idiot shoes. i fantasizes all day about taking a piss all over them. they look like shoes that get accidental drips out of neighboring urinals. they BEG to be sloshed. Brown suede shoes that flare out and then taper in and down. what flair!?

so just before it sets in that he was falling asleep ass-to-ass with ME, too drunk to care, i was having raped-awake flashbacks and was UP AND SCREAMING and locked into a car, unable to shake myself out of the convulsions. shaking and screaming and crying like my heart was about to break. months into our friendship and not one of them knew i'd been raped, except POSSIBLY em. but, no, that was the following spring. no; this was nearing halloween. THAT was a fun campout too! SQUEE!

SEBBY of all people is recruited to get me, and comfort me enough to get me out he does. i can't help myself but i'm hyperventilating too badly to do anything but gasp words over and over again until each has been repeated into enough intelligible syllables to get them out.

and he's the first person i've told outside of marci and josh who's got the decency to be horrified. but he's not just shocked--he's sad. that, you know, gets me calm. into the two-person tent with just us three.

and it is precisely this that makes me love people.

in the morning a little sexual assault is lookin' mi-ighty fi-ine.

the boy was full of himself. sexier than most, as i had the privilege of seeing a few pix he'd sent, and flinging through girls. too big a shot to keep from drinking and recklessly motoring--on his cycle. flung through the air and a lucky bastard with broken legs and all--well, he said, eighteen years was enough of that! he was the most handsome, adorable teddy bear of a pretty fit, strikingly sharp man with a cane.

so the old sebby never would've had a chance in hell.

i miss walking into sitwell's and seeing him at a chess table with some beer. a
and being greeted with a brisk cane walk and big tumbling hug, a seat and a guinness. and i know that all those crystal-stained moments helped save a life.

good-guy-moment collage: PRETTY MUCH ALL FILLED UP.

meeting floyd got me calmed down enough to sit at that bar and put dad and clint aside and pull out my postersoul and sift through all my good-guy moments and keep them permanently tacked to it.