Saturday, September 13, 2014

two of these things are exactly the same

so my psychiatrist asked the other day

who reacts like that, hearing people or deaf people?

so my social worker jumped a bit at my answer

oh, hearing people

when i showed how terrified and afraid i am...

but the thing is, no, deaf people really don't react in the way hearing people do

first of all, i can hold my own, and second of all

somebody already "warned" them

i mean, come on... jeff johnson got terrified as shit

when i asked who told him i was back in cincinnati

and he was all no no no no no no no nobody told  me

and i'm like, seriously, jeff, we were like brother and sister before this shit got to you

just tell me who...i wonder how long it's been going around--

people act like it's a huge fucking secret

but why would i keep the amazing interpreters who graduate from cincinnati state as long as dawn keeps the ITP alive? tony couldn't do it. he's a pushover and he won't go out of his way to circulate on the scene, be the queen with his own terp-a-long, na'mean? i could do it; i'm exceedingly fair, and i can read a scene

but being all "hello, my name is anti-rape beth, and hello, because if you haven't heard of me, once you say my last name someone somewhere might get back to you on that within a fortnight"

is kinda bad for biz

so i gotta take it, what it is

that's what's up and i decided this

thing one

when i was 16 still, i think, maybe just seventeen, but going on, it must have been

because that's when lt and ryco sat next to each other, rekindling a romantic platonic friendship i liked

and i decided it was time to announce that, no, i do not just talk about sex, that i can be taken seriously on other topics, that i had just dispensed a fact--and lt looked at me, besotted with ryco, wanting to be queen of zingers, me being defined for the rest of my life in the Deaf community

no you can't talk about anything but sex, that's who you've always been and who you'll always be

and i thought i was stuck because everyone thought she was queen, period

there were always references to nefertiti, isis too i'm sure

so whenever i tried to be assertive and got raped it got me down

(i know i have to talk about lt and lr this time around...what she did killed me more than clint

she took the knowledge and just crushed, crushed, crushed me and still sees the real me--but won't help me survive, so i have nowhere to go but the hearing world until i can stop folding when someone tries to tear my heart out like my liver--

--truly one of the very best friends i ever had, until that night)

thing two

when i was 29, yea, 29 i say, and this the hallowe'en
idle jak stumbled upon a dog pile of steamin' jealousy
glared across from the kitchen sink a redhead
to my merlot wig, yea, drunker than i, engag'd
in cigar-wilting conversation 
with her blue-eyed boyfriend
who, doubled over with laughter, justly knew 
all i said was monica lewinsky-positive hullabaloo
and yet, yet i was arrest'd by the monstrous visage
of someone who forgives bb the mirror of uncle fester
an oozing sore of anger at his own party arresting
all his words mincing a rasp like a zester gone mad
you are a disgrace to yourself you're insulting this man
you're a mean person, i was warned and now i see
bill clinton couldn't have looked more nonplussed
than the man wearing a black wig claiming to be his twin
and if he couldn't at least have taken one thing from jade
(and, yes, i mean the flour in people's hair in slo-mo)
it was a tower of blue-eyed similarity i could see taking on

but i took off with the big blue eagle from the muppets, our bale
eyed eagle jak, who sat me on the stairs stop crying! that shaking's fake!
i know! (just what ty said to send me into a world of despair)
you can't be part of the deaf elite in this city of new york, if you dasn't
just let us tell you you're lying, just admit you're a terrible person
who just makes fun--i know what you did to ty! (i called him the dumbest
meanest names you can think of, the worst things, because he was an actor
and it was a big joke to say things that made people stare
because he knew i loved the stuffing out of him and the harm
was in judgement, it was our private joke, and of course jak was the jam
in th' the sandwich) you'll never get away with saying 
any of these things you're saying just get steve, get him, he'll explain
he's bill clinton, he doesn't look like him in all that black hair, but he sure does
and he's just (sorry my nose is just dribbling all over my dress i'm
so fucking scared why won't you get jason) having so much fun laughing
what's the problem i'm making fun of bill clinton from monica's POV
can't you tell that that's all a joke and we're
oh, she's jealous and you're her best friend, oh
why won't you just let me have fun too, nobody really thinks--
stop it we love jason thanks for bringing him he's one of us 
i won't let you sully his reputation, he's a boon to the Deaf community
we gotta do something about the way he signs but he is uh-maaazing
thanks for bringing him now you go home or sit here but
you gotta stop screaming it doesn't make us believe you any more
buh-bye, you pathological liar

and i sat there for four hours, screaming with snot coming
tears flowing everything on full stop broke all over my cleavage
ck, jak, i think someone else came out to check on me
every fucking 45 minutes and i was still there shaking mad with flashbacks
to ty that night and begging for jason
but they said to go home but i was his home for the night 
the keys were at my place

and when he came out his knees buckled
this is how i will remember him forever, isn't it dumb, all those moments
and this one i'll keep too, all of them, his eyes wide with horror
he stumbled down to the steps and sank what happened to you 
what did they do to you oh, shit, i didn't know, they said you got mad
and left
remember we had that one line of argument before, when i said you broke your promise
to avoid talking misogynistic bullshit tonight, that you're not being you?
yeah, and i apologized, i really did mean it, i was being an ass

well...and i'm fast-forwarding for poetry's sake now
...they're using that against me to discredit me, that harvard gal
she got jealous of me cracking her boyfriend up, but he's not even interested 
so it's a party, it's a party, i'm themein' it up, it's a party, be funny
isn't that what i do at a party, if i do it everywhere i go? so they said
i'm not allowed to come to any more parties and that you're the best
and they're gonna keep you from me for the rest of my life
but your keys are at my apartment so if i go home how do you get in?

i love you, you know; you're one of my best friends. i'm sorry i stayed--
i wouldn't have if i'd known you were out here all this time. 
here's a few hugs, here's a helping hand, here's me not caring about your slimy face
this was really shitty, this was a real attack, this was just what i mean
i'm so fucking wary of the goddamn Deaf scene
this just seemed so swell, and i should've known you wouldn't dis me
so come on, let's get something to eat, let's party! let's have our own party
just you and me.

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