Wednesday, September 24, 2014

why love doesn't a marriage make

well, maybe not why. i feel wretched. i want to say yes but there are too many risks.

plus my phone's not working, and he took that as a sign to drop off the face of the earth, not come see me--i'd said no, but i'd said yes to a long, long goodbye.

i don't want it to end like this, but i'm not dealing with this idiot anymore. what idiot would assume after being told two dozen times in no uncertain terms that he's to come anytime and that if i'm not home he's to wait in our private alcove, luxuriate in the beauty of the air in this part of town?

ah, i hate that i said no, i really wish i could have said yes, and i would have taken the chance--after all, when the sex takes up ten hours a week or more, what is there to say no to, especially if you can actually work together on two of your dream careers--two talents are better than one?

a lot, i guess. a lot.

i also know what "you're the smart one, you come up with that" means. it means a lifetime of grueling work and scrambling to keep the ship together while someone's draining the budget and lounging about. i'm not doing that again, and since there are very few other legal options for this guy--

--no, that was the first no, just.

how can he just leave like this? i know he thinks i decided to kick him out of my life, because he kept saying to stop texting if i didn't want him around--

--but now...he's cut off all his phones, his e-mail addresses, and this random number tied to a stupid new--

--god, fuck, god, of course i want to see someone i really love who's tried to kill himself in the most grotesque ways over the summer, and who really doesn't deserve anything bad, just--it's not  my future.

it's not my future and, yeah, i want to see someone i really love. i kept blaming him for my fear and panic after i left joe, but he never let me do it. he'd fire right back that if he'd let me stay with joe i could be dead, or at least destroyed.

he's such a fucking idiot. always has been, always, a fucking idiot, and i am just so fucking sick of worrying because when someone you love despite all his faults tells you he's tried to kill himself more ways than you can ever imagine, surviving a river and more--

i just shut down when he said "start a family." totally stopped texting anything but Okay and Yeah. i miss him...i really do...but my morals just can't bend that far. i'd never sacrifice my life for a man, and i was more than willing to do it for the babies. i still would. not for their father, for them. it's hard bending my mind and life around a felon...i can't do it for anyone but the two little sweeties.

why is this fucker putting miles between us that were supposed to disappear?

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