just my philosophy is

that 40% of your coveted ones will return an initial attraction.  maybe 10 or 20% will love you back whatever the conclusion.

however it ends

you know?

one or both of you look back in disdain and deny that love.

you gotta do what you gotta do, and that is the rapist's refrain

too

so 4%, let's say, of everyone you meet and share a hot flirtation with

comprises of at least someone who loves you

enduring.

and i knew

because

his hand grew clammy

when as soon as we planted our hands onto the table

on our first date

he grabbed one of mine

then couldn't look away.

blushed.

nodded into his eyebrows

and grinned.

he held my hand all the way to the train. 7th street and First

to 14th and Seventh.

that's twenty minutes and almost two hours after his curfew.

the kiss was fabulous. sweet and lingering. not on my lips.

my hand was just tingling and ringing, jingling bells.

all the train home.

he wouldn't have raped me

i had to start conjuring up cocks and big cocks and ewwwww how ugly they are but now i like them

and think about sucking his.

thing is!

we really did not expect

to love the conversation

so,

so much.

i could hold my own and he had faith in that

so i did.

that fucking cabbie. that fucking night.

i never used to trust cabbies. free ride to union square at 3? sounds like soliciting drunk women to rape.

but when i looked into vincnt's face I was enamored!

turned around and BLAM

first: he is PAINFULLY HOT. immediate disdain

then BLAMMO

second: he is intelligent, look at those eyes! respect

third: he has no intent to rape.

(to clarify: his story is that his ex-wife used childhood incest or molestation to cheat and cheat and cheat and get whatever she asked for. i had stopped all sexual flirtation with guys! i was sure i would
be in love on our first date!)

so i let him text me. actually, i texted him four hours after the rape. he didn't waste any time replying.

what written conversation we had that we couldn't remember was on napkins and in my fucking sketchbook. it was sassy and smart, and we were impressed with each other.

he was all, well, you started the sex talk. you grabbed my ass as you went to the bathroom after i was done. i could not explain to him how funny it is that out of 15,000 guys i've met since starting high school he

is the one i would grab like that

but i could not explain so i didn't

that it's an MSSD thing meaning

"hahahahahahahahaha you're it