Tuesday, April 8, 2014

oh, carp! AKA: carp on

the past is real. do not deny it.

i look jeff in the face and the past is bruising, but i cannot hide from it

so i carry on. i make light

but it haunts me. 11 years ago i chose between the lightness of friends

and the lightness of truth

it taught me the worst but that it is my best.

jeff was picking out engagement rings and his his was mocking behind his back

and i was sure that protecting jeff from that knowledge was best.

until. bob started in on wendy. she is long gone...

bob was all oh ya she stupid LOL she think she some hot shit but lissen it's u n me oh yes it's u n me all the way she fuckin dumbo yes shh it's u n me all the way oh LOL like she sooooo literate pssssshhhhhhh

i was like, uh, she's one of my best friends. being annoyed with her for something she said wasn't an invitation to backstabbing. you can't do that, and for the record, none of us like what you're doing to jeff. he may not be the sharpest tack in the elementary school but he's in the best cork. he's so sweet and so delightful, we all love him to death anyway, and we really hate to see you say OMFG ISN'T HE DUMB LOL AND I JUST KEEP PUSHING HIM TO MARRY ME SO...

...i can't say the rest here. but. marci said:

choose. it is how life is. how people are. they probably can't handle the truth. tell them and recognize you will likely lose your friendships...

...or keep your friends.

it's amazing how people will watch someone literally sexually abuse someone in front of us--we saw this and i finally had to stop. i should have stopped before it got there, i didn't, and I rightfully got told off once this kid grew up a little and moved on because

i waited too long

and listen to someone verbally abuse others and try to skew/er friendships behind all our backs--but believe they are the


the special

and that was my first lesson in life: loneliness is why we all pretend.

fear of rejection.

but fuck it. i wake up not feeling guilty for living a lie.

so marci and i are in a conspiracy. against mom. who is trying to twist it all. again. AGAIN!

danger danger danger so i must decide how to


the dream was that jeff forgave me. i ache every time I see him.

i remember how much i grew to love him. i remember how much I grew to despise all the hurtful things

and thinking i was a good friend but


so he forgave me and we are now BFF again. i wanted to go somewhere photogenic

he drove me to an idyllic rocky beach but it was really loads of rocks and boulders.

the beauty still strikes me two hours past waking

the shimmer of sun between light fringe, bobbing leaves of pale shadows on the ripply clear water

it really was the epitome of this jeff (it reflects one of our drives, down to the gargoyle condos, a talk about an ex of his from before he came out, and that was when i couldn't keep lying just because it was what we had been doing because OMFG HE WOULD DIE FOR A FRIEND): sparkly, transparent, dancing like leaves on the water, in the wind, endlessly joyful

and we walked onto bone-dry boulders like in tobermorey (google the flowerpot islands) and SUDDENLY way out in what we didn't know would become a danger zone

all that water started sluicing around our ankles and we weren't so stable

jeff turned into my brother terry

and i have been worrying about me and terry

about his ability to handle my need not to be a daughter

about missing him and his fear of dissension

which was my fear for so many silent years

so there he was, terry

and PLOP a 400-pound carp or so

from the sky and again sluicing water sucking at us

it had a huge red gouge in its side

an eagle was trying, so bald, to lift this carp could could make

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