Wednesday, April 23, 2014

the touch, the feel of marci, as you wish: the secret to tell

she's totally new, which is fine. i'm just not.

i'm in bed a lot.

i think about what happened with nathan maybe once or twice a year.

the same goes for eric t-rex. what they did was a cultural wannabe response.

what they were? monstrous. are they still monsters?

quite possibly not. i ain't hear nothin' shit 'bout underage baby mama rape or anything.

and that is actually something i need to remember for the autobiography.

the stories that depart from the narrative, the ones who set a social narrative.

who (unfortunately and ultimately) are the ones who listen to women and implement change?

the fathers who choose death over seeing juniors one through six by wife&mistress.

the best president there can be.

AKA, prudent or a feminist. closeted or not.

>ping< >pang< >pong<

and who did he fuck to get where he got?

ba dum tiiiiiiisssh.

marci agrees with me on a lot but of course not everything. we agree
more about rape than we did so it's actually much easier but very hard for me right now not to see anything but being raped (and hit by four delightful men)--

and explaining to vincent from time to time--

that it wasn't cool of him to say what he had, since

what he said to me

got me



and david slapping me

joe hitting me

keeps me scared that what vincent said

he believes pepper dash (his company)

he said

"you don't know what dating is, do you?"

(thinking i could fall in love and not knowing if he could feel that way but HE IS SO FUCKING AWESOME is dating. we all have to wonder who's gonna love us back and when!)

so i think that all the time since it spiraled me directly into and

triggered directly by the memory of

"that cab driver did not rape you. you wanted it. you wouldn't have ended up fucking him if you hadn't wanted it. you're just like my ex-wife, who was a molested manipulator too."

so i ended it, just with something like, "well, that's it."


he said

"not like i could trust you."

i don't tell anyone.

i don't love david

or joe

it's vincent longano who, by the way, is happily married

to someone who truly is fun and talented. and beautiful.

not like me.

but let me tell you

he took out a wad

$500 or $600 and was like

"you wanna eat HERE!?"





with how loved


he was and how sweet!

how much roman mythology i had to  research when i realized

how little i had self-educated, being banned from the adult section in the library

in 1984. 1993.

and i decided that night

to  enjoy


and enjoy them forever.

it's been a good philosophy.


"you deserved it if he really did rape you. you've probably lied about this before."

breaks my heart and i won't tell anyone

until this post

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