it can't matter now; i'm hundreds of miles away. thousands of smiles dead aweigh, and silent space.
when bianca messaged me about ty's wedding a friend whipped me senseful: "can't you tell, she did this to hurt you? never mind that you don't even give a fuck, think: what happened between you, and thonk!--why now, why is this her one attempt to contact you?"
i'm no longer her dead weight; she's deaf to me anyway. why i hate my vacation to her and perils, hehe, is the difference it all made. but, like:
she's old enough to hold her own without a set of balls. and anyway, she's such a good liar and perils such a selective liver that it won't matter, i'll just be labeled a bitter old liar, and they can walk their forked tongues a path.
we were working on reconciliation. but anyway, one night i'd said, sitting at the table, my back to the living room, to her TV in his entertainment center: "you know, one of the reasons i don't want to be friends with jenny is because one day she tried to drop this bomb: 'delusional, &c, not raped, &c, unable to face reality, &c, i'm your friend and will force you to, &c! we're close but you're not my best friend! bianca is! and i'm hers! not you! we've known each other longer! we've been through more together! &c! DEAL WITH THE TRUTH! you don't matter as much to us as we do to each other, so just move on!"
which was funny; it had been us three until i started to really think floyd had been integral to my life but was being raped a lot trying to date and be friends with guys. perils was all, "but i hang out with guys i've just met! they don't try to fuck me! THEREFORE YOU ARE LYING. bianca doesn't get assaulted either; THEREFORE YOU'RE LYING BECAUSE SINCE WE BOTH TEACH ASL YOU FEEL LEFT OUT. you want attention, but here's the truth: bianca and i are closer to each other. Deal with it!"
and bianca was always like, "GOD, would jenny just leave it alone? you know i trust you more, tell you more, am closer to you. ignore it; it fucks us up! ILYILYILYILY!" a few someone elses were like, "you know why jenny doesn't get hit on. don't EVEN go there!" which was really kinda unnecessary, but necessary because it's true--i have something guys see and want right off the bat, different things in different situations, and she has her own set of attributes. as for bianca, well, she has an elegant serenity that's a façade but makes guys just see her as "future breeder; treat her right until she agrees to marry me!"
AND THOSE ASSESSMENTS ARE EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE OF ME BY SAID GUYS! fuck-all to do with who we are, what we want, even our physical traits above the neckline.
but i dealt...until bianca finally got me to talk with perils. then THAT. AGAIN. and anyway, i had made the decision that perils wasn't my friend or anyone in my grand scheme of the 30s or beyond. so asserting me as second best was really just an abuser tactic. always had been.
and bianca at the table said "...you KNOW why i won't tell her! you really are my best friend, you know it in your heart. you know i fight with you less, you don't judge me, you don't get pissed like she does! overboard. i'm afraid of jenny! she's SCARY. she scares EVERYBODY. you know!"
"yes, and that's why i had to put things straight. that's why nobody's friends with her. that's why it's important for you to be the one to tell her--as her best friend. as someone who won't let jenny control her anymore. you're the only one she has left, and she clings to you because you won't tell her what she doesn't want to hear. lemme tell you: coming from you--you're the only one she can handle it from. besides, you get to choose your hierarchy of friends, not her, not me. why are you so scared to do what i have? my life is still here."
"yes, but you know i hate confrontation!"
"it's not confrontation to tell her who you really are, or to save her from herself. her future is miserable if she doesn't listen to the truth now."
and then. the FIGHTS. and admittances: "i'm not mad at you."
"jenny really pisses me off! she's always trying to control me, judge me!"
i'm not next in that food chain. i love them but i love fulfilling my goals instead of filling with fear and doubt.
so. anchors aweigh, then
as it is missaid but
so
apt today
anchors away!
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