Friday, May 23, 2014

the dust devil in the vacuum

there must be two.

first, no matter how i try, i can't be me without words, puns, writing, telling silly ASL stories. it was implausible.

but, well, second. i loved floyd and still do, but out of respect to the fucker, it's a "you in the universe, much happiness to you" microwave-ready meal of positivity. so, yeah, david's mom had me rattled. almost seeing floyd tell me i'm worthless and ugly, vincent and david too, and it was hard to keep from flashing back.

so: floyd&vincent made me want to really be nice to david; then, well, i thought he was a real kick, and his foibles were so entertaining i took to him like a rind to brie. i gave joe that chance too.

so i don't actually still want to be with or love vincent. i just can't talk about what happened; our first date was honestly.

he was falling in love too.

what he said to me was shocking. he was cruel in telling me off after he decided i wasn't raped, or incested, or kind, worth anything, understanding, laidback, fun. he said i was a poser waiting to trap, manipulate and destroy him.

and that he never had feelings for me.

but i pinched his ass, browning out, close to a blackout after just three beers. because

the look

said everything. we had the same lock i shared with josh

that trilling songbird of electricity and recognition of eons shrinking into ions


don't tell

i knew as soon as i saw fatso

that he posed a danger so great it came jaw-in-maw with something like love. that he was determined to hide it. from that first day at MSSD, by the chalkboard--

he knew right away that i was competition and that it excited him, and that i wasn't pretty enough to show affection for. i went stone.

all i absorbed from his morphing eyes led to contempt, wariness, and a fearful hatred.

but how does a 14-year-old whose books are fluff and who's teachers' <~~ yep! pet even contemplate the patriarchy?

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