ben moore was all, why didn't you use photoshop for post secret?!? i was all, uh, have you ever seen a post secret? i figured different levels of realistic art and collage skills would be appropriate because ahem that's what makes them interesting enough to read. and the gally ones for the yearbook sure were stupid. all of them about some stupid conquest or other and some with words that just don't match the plot.
but post secrets aren't to be photoshopped. the point for a yearbook and for secrets like that and even gally sextrysts, the point of telling someone is to humanize the experience.
these were so lame a lamb couldn't wobble any worse.
so stupid. then he started all this vitriol and i think i tossed the cards i made just because keeping the file as "work done" is so fucking lame. some made it to cincinnati and joe was like, if you do better than this unicorn, then yeah, i wanna see your work.
it wasn't that i didn't love him. he uses almost everything as ammo and i was like, hey, boy, i bought you some paint and some acrylic ground, and canvases. that didn't work, it made him more paranoid that i'd use a slip-up against him...so. listen, dude, you know, i don't like to paint around you either. i stop or do mediocre work because i don't want my feelings hurt. so you can just relax because we feel the same way but you're crazy talented and i'm talented except for painting.
but, damn, he couldn't stop blowing that gasket. he had rational discussions but instead of catching himself, the more he let go, the more his fears skyrocketed. and the times he almost killed me were really fucking frightening. throughout july and august i was like, dude, i love you. i chose you. like, my fourth or fifth love. so chill. between the raping, the few killa shots, the outbursts and defensiveness, the clawing and slapping, all when i compliment you, i have got nothing awesome to look forward to with you. so leave or change.
it really doesn't feel good to be apart from someone whose addiction has caused such severe fear, whose lifelong fear has transmitted into addiction and is now transfused on the human level to a sexual partner. i really don't hold with being substituted for a parent. joe got off easy.
the last guy got laughed at, was asked to turn the picture of his mom over, peppered with questions, then was stopped halfway through, and i met his brother after an earful about their upcoming thanksgiving with mommy dearest.
either it was weird creepy shit or she's raped him. he was all idolatry when i told him i didn't like him and would never see him again. he was in touch for years and it's been as long as i stopped signing in to AIM, in fact. in 2011. i never blocked him because he was truly, truly lonely. now, at 36, i wonder if it's partly because he's so shy (he is!) he actually knows that very few women could handle that girth. it took us maybe 20 minutes to get it in, and he said the noise of me finally stretching was indeed audible. it felt like a monotonous electrical zap.
what a guy. i kept telling him to take the picture of mommy off the wall and go out and meet women. and i finally was all, i don't like you, you're dumb and creepy about your mom, so i can't see you again. so for the last couple of years he was like, "i know. but would you please?"
i don't like worrying about people so i tried shaking him off my leg. i really worry about him sometimes. like, he seems like a decent guy, and clearly he isn't aggressive even after years of no sex. people just need to get up off that couch and get the fuck out. i'm going crazy here. where is there to go?
and now this j is trying to start something up with me. i am not having it. not romance. he apparently has fucking divorced and is like, mmm? i told him it isn't gonna happen and that i oughta just disappear because he's way too serious. nope, nope, nope octopus.
damn the asshole. now i have said no to living with him but said i had been looking forward to it to smooth things over when he said he had no intention of living together as a couple. then he fell all over me and was like omfg i thought you were saying you didn't want it!
oh, my fucking. the sex is great but sex is sex. i told him i didn't want him to get confused between a little naughty sex talk and love. he's married and he's been obsessed with me since we met. he was like, my dick actually gets hard! what!? this medicine doesn't allow for that but it is going crazy. so what? find some other new pussy. only he's like, hmm, no, this is it for me. you.
sorry, not my canoe. i'll start kayaking.