Friday, June 13, 2014

home is where the heart sinks

so when jeff raped me it was coercion

and he was holding me tightly but anyway

i was weeping and telling him again and again that i was not ready

that i still loved and cherished joe and the imprint in and on my body

see, david erased all the bad somehow with his body:

fingers, lips, tongue

his penis, never...he was terrible at sex and his penis was too soft to feel

except during the thre rapes


joe too imprinted me (they both kiss so nicely--)

and though he raped me the love seared only the good into lasting memory

and i kissed jeff, who is pretty good at it except for that damn habit lately of smashing teeth

but i did not want anything else and he dragged me into the bedroom

and as i reiterated half a dozen times that i was not ready and did not want to desecrate my body memory

he assured me that once we were having sex i would be ready

and because joe would strangle me into sex i was not quite sure

i could walk away without being hurt (now i'm sure)

i just cried and cried and tried to push his hands away but they are strong, i have screamed because of the pain and had my hip wrenched out of its socket twice as well as a bone bruise, and cussed him out several other times

and the last time, when he started yelling at me for screaming because of his death grip

i countered that the only reason he won prison fights

was his grip and that he would get kicked in the face the next time he tried that shit because

he does not stop hurting me

and he was the one taking off my clothes and gripping me too tightly to feel safe


though i've been crying about it for a week or so

about his surprising denial and refusal to discuss it

though after three days i told him it was enough and that he had raped me and that i was not willing to have sex again

though the reason we do now is sometimes because i fear what would happen if i just

not always, is just so confusing since i met david

because now i want to be kind, because i learned with david (with floyd and vincent in mind)

that being kind feels lovely because it is love

that rejecting someone before i can get hurt is not always necessary

that being kind when someone is threatening me, hitting me, raping me out of fear

is not weakness but strength: it is a moral code

like hitting and raping represent the opposite moral code

i understand that if we hadn't started having sex

i could have spent the next five years waiting for joe so devotedly

it would have turned out to be a waste

but i have run cold against jeff with certain observations

but worse

he knows joe admitted to raping me and then suddenly said that since everyone else was on his side

this was at the motel minutes before he threatened to leave me stranded and for dead if i didn't agree to everything he said

he would categorically deny the rapes and pretend he never had

(how stupid that he read all this aloud to the magistrate and then told her it was true! thrice she asked and thrice he asserted that that is how it went down in the motel room)

and this is how he is choosing to erase part of who i am

erase his maturity

erase the connection we forged and the trust i developed

why would his wife tell me he didn't really rape me when she has admitted that he spent years crazymaking


making her cry and doubt herself

isn't that the same package

and i am so over it

she is a total misogynist except where her own pussy is concerned

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