Tuesday, June 24, 2014

what makes the gloves

i've been trying to remember

did i delete donald's facebook message

saying that my very first rape, his fifth or something

now i know he was kicked out of clarke for raping young girls

was nothing, that i'm lucky i'm not iraqi

in the midst of

and i wonder why josh got so petulant as a 30-year-old mormon

so of course his morals apply only to his many baby sisters

and said that because he couldn't remember throwing me against the wall

over his shame that his first sex


was so exciting and nerve-wracking he lost his erection on the first thrust

even though it's probably why i destroyed myself

i was so

he wouldn't apologize for it

and jenny was all, that's bullshit

that's not even in the realm of an excuse

and i miss joe

so i was thinking of david because part of what made joe snap

was that i sent david e-mails but the more joe assaulted me the more

i tried to disappear into e-mails to david

i say i love abusers to try to erase the abuse and make things stop

so i was saying it to david but

it was so strange

david started abusing me because

he said something quickly and with his head downturned

on our seaport bench

before our fort greene bench

and asked, "what'd i just say?"

"i don't know, i can't figure it out...you went too fast"

"i was speaking spanish, stupid! you couldn't tell? stupid!"

but he had never

and it was the night

he said he was falling in love

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